Hello reader,
I want to write something about how I was thinking. I used to think it was just “human error” because I was reading a lot of philosophy. I thought it was nothing, just something people made popular, or something only for the next generation.
What am I talking about?
I am talking about LOVE!
Most people think about it differently. I am not arguing with anyone. I just want to share and write my own thoughts, nothing else, because everyone experiences love in different ways, through different societies, different cultures, and different people.
For the last few days, I have been thinking about writing this topic because I think if even one reader reads this note, it might help them.
What is true love?
True Love (Unselfishness): True love is rooted in kindness, compassion, and patience.
But one question comes: what is true love, and what is attachment?
It’s like when someone loves another person, they say:
“I need you to be happy by being with me.”
On the other hand, if someone is attached to another person, they always say:
“Why are you not making me happy?”
There is a big difference between these two expressions.
There is a great quote that describes love:
If you like a flower, you will pluck that flower. But if you love a flower, you will water the flower’s plant.
When you love, you always wish for the good of that person. That is how you truly love.
If you are attached to a person, you always expect things from others. You always expect things that fulfill your own desires.
How to Love Without Attachment
Pure Love — This is selfless.
When you truly love someone, your primary wish is for their happiness. Whether that happiness involves you or not, your intention remains the same. You simply want them to be well and free.
Attachment — This is rooted in selfishness.
Attachment is the silent demand that says:
“You need to make me happy.”
When that expectation isn’t met, it leads to resentment, frustration, and the feeling that the other person is never doing enough.
When we are attached, we often try to “protect” our relationships by building walls. We might restrict our partner’s freedom, monitor their social interactions, or try to control their world to make sure they never leave.
The more you try to hold on to and control someone, the more likely you are to lose them.
Everyone is living in their own private world, and just as you crave your own freedom, they crave theirs too.
Trying to own someone else’s happiness is a recipe for disaster.
The 6 Principles for a Happy Relationship
1. Physical Kindness — Show care through your actions. This doesn’t require grand gestures. Small, consistent acts of service and helpfulness in daily life demonstrate that you value the other person.
2. Verbal Kindness — Use kind, heartwarming, and pleasant words. Positive communication helps create comfort and happiness in the other person’s mind.
3. Mental Kindness — This is considered the most important principle. By cultivating genuine, kind thoughts toward your partner, your words and actions naturally follow.
4. Sharing Without Reservation — Generosity strengthens relationships. Sharing your food, resources, or good experiences creates mutual trust and strengthens your relationship.
5. Virtuous Living — Practicing morality creates a foundation of trust and loyalty. Being honest and avoiding harmful behavior removes doubt and insecurity.
6. Common Goals — Working toward a shared dream or purpose helps align two people. When both people are moving in the same direction, it becomes much easier to solve conflicts and maintain peace.
Key Principles for Better Relationships
Shift from control to support. Instead of commanding and controlling people, ask questions and support them. Solving problems together builds far more trust than giving orders.
Embrace meaningless conversations. Don’t pressure yourself to have deep philosophical discussions all the time. Sometimes random, lighthearted conversations are exactly what strengthen relationships.
Listen instead of solving. When someone is sharing a difficult day, they usually don’t want a solution. They simply want someone to listen.
Validate emotions. Don’t tell people they shouldn’t feel the way they feel. Acknowledging emotions creates connection.
Avoid controlling language. Don’t try to control another person’s time, friends, or work. Control creates resentment.
View triggers as opportunities. When someone triggers you, don’t immediately react. Instead, use it as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth.
How to Deal with Toxic People
Don’t Accept the Negativity — The Buddha gave an analogy. If someone brings you a gift and you refuse to accept it, who does the gift belong to? The giver. The same is true with insults. If you do not accept someone’s anger or harsh words, the negativity remains with them.
Maintain Composure — Responding to anger with more anger only gives the toxic person exactly what they want. Stay calm. Smile. Don’t allow someone else to control your emotions.
Listen Objectively — Separate the person from the message. If there is useful feedback, accept it. If the person is acting from their own weakness, don’t waste your energy arguing.
The Power of Silence — Silence is often stronger than retaliation. If you want to prove someone wrong, do it through your success and your growth, not through arguments.
Practice Loving-Kindness — Cultivate compassion and loving-kindness. When your mind is filled with kindness, toxic behavior has less power over you.
Visualization — Mentally rehearse responding to difficult situations with patience and a smile. The more you imagine responding calmly, the easier it becomes in real life.
Never provide the emotional reaction that a toxic person is seeking. By choosing to stay kind, humble, and grounded, you protect your own peace. That is real strength.
Six Loving Exchanges
1. Giving with intention.
2. Receiving with gratitude.
3. Listening without judgment.
4. Speaking with vulnerability.
5. Preparing without an agenda.
6. Receiving with presence.
At Last, One Question
Now I have one question.
How can we look around ourselves and decide whether this person is right for us or not?
What is the difference between the right person and the wrong person?
I don’t think it is easy to answer because every person grows up in a different culture, a different society, and with different experiences.
Everyone has their own private world.
Because of that, we can’t judge anyone so easily or directly decide that someone is right or wrong. We don’t know their life, their suffering, or what they have been through.
Maybe someone’s love language is completely different. Maybe someone thinks differently. That doesn’t automatically make them the wrong person.
Maybe someone truly loves you, but because their way of expressing love is different, you think they are wrong.
What I Think About the Wrong Person
I think some people come into your life only because they desire something. They come because they need something from you.
They silently ask:
“Why are you not making me happy?”
“Why don’t you give me what I want?”
Sometimes they treat you like you are one of the most important people in their life. But after some time, when they no longer need you, the same person acts like you are nothing.
They care about you, not because they truly care about you, but because they need you. They worry about losing you because they are thinking about what will happen to their life without you.
Their attachment comes from desire. Maybe they need you. Maybe they desire what you have. Maybe they simply don’t want to lose the benefits you give them.
Those people often hide things from you. They don’t truly care about your life, your dreams, or your mental health. I think those are red flags.
When they need something from you, they suddenly become kind. They make promises. Sometimes they manipulate you for their own desires. And when they no longer need you, they slowly begin to avoid you.
Hey, reader — and also me — I want to tell you something. If you have those types of people around you, don’t waste your mental energy or your time on them.
I know it is hard to leave those people when you truly care about them and start loving them. But your time is limited. Your purpose matters. Your dreams matter. Your goals matter. Focus on them.
And if someone truly wants to stay with you forever, they must care about your dreams and your goals. They should help you achieve them. They should think about your dreams as if they were their own.
I believe people can change. But that does not mean you can change them. If they don’t want to change themselves, you can’t help them.
People only change when they want to change.
“Before you can lie to another, you must first lie to yourself.”
Now, Let’s Talk About the Right People
After reading about the wrong people, maybe you have already started thinking about one person. If someone came to your mind, maybe that person is actually special. Maybe they are the right person for you.
Don’t lose them. Treat them the way you hope they will treat you.
They don’t stay because they need something from you. They stay because they genuinely care about you. They give you love whether you stay with them or not. They always wish the best for you.
You don’t have to worry about them leaving you. You don’t have to live under mental pressure. When you feel down, they stay beside you without expecting anything.
They are amazing people. They have beautiful hearts. But sadly, many people don’t understand them.
Save your love for those types of people. Enjoy your life with them.
Sometimes you notice they always try to make you happy. They think about the future with you. They want to stay with you for life. They don’t try to hide things from you. They can even hand you their phone without fear because they have nothing to hide. They share their thoughts, their secrets, and their life with you.
They are beautiful people. When you are with them, you become a better version of yourself.
Remember, sometimes life will be difficult. But don’t break their trust.
All benefits in life come from compound interest.
Final Note
FIRST, LOVE YOURSELF AND SAVE YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN’T LOVE YOUR OWN SELF, YOU CAN’T LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.
I am writing this today. I am an adult. Maybe my mind and my thoughts will change in the future. I don’t know. I simply want to note everything that I am thinking today.
Love is given, not received.
— Adil Shamim
